On the third day of Destigmatizing Sexual Health & Wellness In Motherhood, Mama Comes First gave to me... an understanding of the impact of the mental load of motherhood on maternal sexuality!

The mental load is the invisible, nonstop labor of managing a household & family life. It is the thinking, planning, problem solving & anticipating that keeps everything in the family & household running smoothly. It’s a constant mental juggling act that is exhausting and it... disproportionately falls on mothers!

~ Moms handle 71% of household planning, like scheduling appointments, organizing activities, and keeping track of everything.

~ 79% of daily tasks, like cleaning and childcare, fall on moms. That’s more than twice what dads handle (37%).

~ Episodic tasks, like fixing things or managing finances, are shared more equally (moms do 53%, dads do 65%...and moms still juggle these on top of daily work.)

~ Many dads over estimate their contributions and think they do more than they actually do.

Consequences of The Mental Load

~ Stress & Burnout: Moms carrying the bulk of responsibilities report higher levels of stress and emotional exhaustion.

~ Mental Health: Linked to increased anxiety, depression, and overall worse mental health.

~ Physical Health: Chronic stress can lead to fatigue and weakened immune systems.

~ Relationship Strain: Unequal sharing of the mental load reduces relationship satisfactionand increases conflict.

~ Career Impact: Carrying the weight of the mental load can interfere with work and often limits professional growth.

The Mental Load & Maternal Sexual Health & Wellness

Considering the HUGE toll carrying the weight of the mental load can take on your body & mind, it should be no surprise it can be detrimental to your sexual health and wellness. Managing everyone else’s lives and not being able to shut off the running tab in your brain leaves little time for even thinking about sex intimacy, let alone being able to get your mind and body in the mood. If your partner often feels like another one of your children, who you have to manage, is it really a surprise you’re not feeling sexually attracted to them? Elevated stress and anxiety from juggling the mental load can mess with your hormones (hi, cortisol!) which can affect your sex life. When one person carries the more of the load, resentment builds...resentment is NOT an aphrodisiac. Being physically and emotionally drained leaves no energy for pleasure (of any kind, not just sexual). Mental health disorders like anxiety and depression (linked to carrying the mental load) interfere with desire, arousal, orgasm, and sexual satisfaction.

Not taking care of your own health, like skipping doctor’s appointments, not exercising, not eating proper meals, etc. can disrupt your physical health, which is key to sexual health and wellness. Losing time for friendships and support networks impacts your overall confidence and emotional health, which can spill over into your sexual health and wellness. The constant stress and overwhelm disconnects mothers from their bodies, making it harder to recognize their own needs, desires, and embrace pleasure.

Research shows...

~ Women carrying most of the mental load report lower relationship satisfaction and higher rates of burnout.

~ Lower relationship satisfaction is associated with lower desire.

~ Inequitable relationships affect women’s desire with their partner but NOT quite so much for *solo* desire

~ Equitable partnerships lead to better sex lives. Couples who share responsibilities report more intimacy, better communication, and greater sexual satisfaction.

The Mental Load & Maternal Sexual Health & Wellness Stigma

Most mothers don’t realize how the mental load impacts their sexual health and wellness. Managing endless tasks and responsibilities leaves mothers drained and disconnected from their needs. Without understanding the link they internalize blame, believing something is wrong with them. This ignorance can foster shame and stigma. The mental load burdens mothers with unrealistic expectations, leaving them too exhausted to connect with their bodies. Society expects mothers to do it all, and makes them feel that if they can’t keep up, they are bad mothers. This creates a dangerous a cycle of exhaustion and disconnection and leaves no room for (real) self-care or pleasure. These unrealistic demands reinforce stigma by perpetuating the idea that mothers’ needs don’t matter. It reinforces the “selfless mother” ideal- the outdated patriarchal belief that pressures mothers to be martyrs who do everything and prioritize everyone else’s needs. This leaves little room, physically, emotionally, or mentally, for their own needs and desires. When mothers experience changes to their sexuality, they are often seen as a personal failing, rather than a natural response to exhaustion, stress, or physical discomfort. This shifts blame onto mothers instead of addressing the systemic and relational pressures that contribute to these challenges, which pushes more isolation and perpetuation of shame.

Tips for Managing the Mental Load

~ Align Tasks with Your Values- Start by identifying what truly matters to you and your family. If a task doesn’t align with those values, consider letting it go. Not everything needs your time and energy.

~ Redistribute the Load- Share more than just the doing of the task, share the thinking and planning behind tasks, too.

~Talk openly with your partner and family about the mental load and plan responsibilities together. Tools like the Fair Play Method or hiring a mental load coach can help guide the process.

~ Set Realistic Boundaries- Protect your time and energy by prioritizing what’s essential and saying no to unnecessary demands. It is ok to let shit go!

~ Prioritize Yourself- Real self-care means addressing your true needs: building life around your values, prioritizing your needs equally as much as your family’s, taking care of your health and wellness...For more on this, check out the book Real Self-Care by Dr. Pooja Lakshmin.