5 Tips for Better Communication about Postpartum Sex
Navigating the postpartum period can be a challenging time for many couples, especially when it comes to maintaining or rekindling intimacy. Communication about sexual needs and expectations can become tricky as both partners adjust to new roles and dynamics. Here are five practical tips to help postpartum couples enhance their communication about sex, ensuring both partners feel understood and connected.
1. Start with Empathy
Understanding and empathy are the foundation of effective communication, especially about such a sensitive topic as sex after having a baby. Each partner should strive to understand the physical and emotional changes the other is experiencing (Mama Comes First can help if you need guidance!). This is not the time for assumptions; it's a time for deep listening and empathy. For instance, mothers/the person who gave birth often experiences physical discomforts and/or hormonal shifts that affect their libido, while partners might feel neglected or unsure about initiating intimacy. Acknowledging these feelings openly can set a supportive tone for discussions.
2. Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing is everything, and this holds true when discussing intimacy and sex. Ideally this conversation starts in pregnancy, but realistically many people don’t start to talk or even think about this topic until they are in the throes of postpartum. Whenever the conversations do start, whether in pregnancy or postpartum, be sure to choose a moment when both partners are relaxed and not preoccupied with other tasks (like caring for the baby or household chores). Avoid having these conversations right before bed or in the middle of the night, which might add unnecessary stress or fatigue to the discussion. A neutral, private space where you both feel comfortable and uninterrupted is ideal.
3. Use "I" Statements to Express Needs and Feelings
Communication can easily turn confrontational when partners express criticisms or demands. To keep the conversation open and non-defensive, use "I" statements that focus on your feelings and needs without blaming the other person. For example, saying, "I feel a bit disconnected and would love to find some ways to be close that feel good for both of us," is more effective than, "You never show me any affection anymore." Nothing shuts a conversation down faster than feeling criticized or blamed.
4. Be Open About Changes in Your Body and Desires
Postpartum bodies have been through and go through a lot. It is important to understand, acknowledge, and discuss these changes and how they can affect intimacy and sex after baby. Mothers/birthing people should be able to discuss physical discomfort, dryness, or lack of libido without shame or embarrassment. Partners need to understand the gravity of these changes and how they affect intimacy and sex and should be supportive and never pressure their partner into doing anything they are not ready for. Partners should also be open about their own changes in desire or concerns. This mutual openness can lead to a better understanding of what each person finds comfortable and enjoyable, which can help in adapting intimacy and sexual activities to the current life phase.
5. Set Realistic Expectations and be Patient
Both partners need to manage their expectations regarding their sex life after baby. It is highly unlikely to return to what it was in your pre-baby life, and that is ok. Rebuilding intimacy takes time, patience, and realistic expectations. Many people struggle with sex and intimacy in postpartum because of unrealistic expectations. In order to figure out what is realistic, it is helpful to read books, blogs, talk to a sexual health professional, take a course, etc. Consider reading or attending a course about postpartum sex and intimacy and using what you have learned to guide your conversations. Discussion about what realistic intimacy and sex could look like must consider both the mother/birthing person’s physical and emotional recovery and the new demands of parenthood. Education, patience, and frequent open communication can help rebuild a satisfying sexual relationship without pressure.
Final Thoughts
Communication about sex after having a baby doesn’t have to be daunting. With empathy, proper timing, clear expression of feelings and needs, openness about bodily changes, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a fulfilling sex life after becoming parents. Try to remember couples are a team, and the goal is to strengthen your connection and ensure both partners feel valued and cared for, which is the foundation of any strong relationship. If you are looking for further guidance on sex in the postpartum period, check our Postpartum Liberated Libido program!
Dawn Moore is the founder of maternal sexual health platform, ‘Mama Comes First’. She is also a Women’s Health & Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, Certified Sex Educator, Midwife, and Mom of 4.
